Sunday, April 22, 2007

I had a dream last night.

My dad, who didn't look anything like my real dad, arranged my marriage one night. I was to get married the next day to a man I've never met. I tried all I could to get out of the marriage, but everything failed. The morning of, my maternal grandmother was in the kitchen busy making food for the reception. The wedding was going to be held at our backyard. Actually, at my paternal grandmother's backyard (I don't know why my dream took place at her house). I was supposed to be helping make the food, but I was still trying to convince my dad to cancel the wedding. Then he came...the groom. I've never met or seen him in real life. He was probably a couple years older than me. Cute. Built. Tall. But had the same ideas about women as my dream-dad. He thought that women are like robots that stay in the house and march around doing their chores and duties. By the time he came, it sank in with me that I will not be able to get out of this marriage. So instead, I tried to change his thinking about women, as in my role in this marriage. He was stubborn...very stubborn. We were in the living room arguing when someone came into the front door talking about donating blood. Well, I donate blood (in real life). I donate as often as I could. It's something I do. In my dream, I said, "Oh yeah, I donate blood about every 8 weeks." My husband to be said, "No way." He means, no he is not allowing me to donate blood. More arguing. I started to make all these points about what's wrong with donating blood, and that it's my right, etc. My points were not really all about blood donation, but the topic and the points all relate to the bigger picture of women's roles and rights. I saw that he seemed to be changing his mind even though we ended up in the kitchen because he kept saying that I'm supposed to be in there making food. I turned to him, held both his arms, and said, "Don't you think this is more important?" Then, just as in dreams things disappear, he disappeared like he just walked away. I was at the kitchen counter, my grandma at the kitchen table chopping something up. I turned towards the food processor (I was supposed to be using it to make meatloaf), and I cried. Only for a few seconds. Then I started to make the meatloaf. I went to my grandma and showed her the meatloaf to ask what I do next. She proceeded to tell me, and I listened and helped her make food in the kitchen. The dream ended with the feeling of bitter tears, and comfort in the kitchen.

I hope you can tell that this dream isn't about arranged marriages, nor is it completely about women's rights. It's about me. Yes, it's my dream, but it revealed something to me about myself. I want to get married. But at this moment, I feel that marriage is something that would tie me down. Blood donation is just something I do, just like child sponsorship. Not many people do those things. I think the blood donation thing stands for the things I do or like to do...and my dreams. My desires in life, like travel. I feel that marriage would restrict me from my dreams. I would have to start dealing with the dreams and desires and baggage of another person I'm stuck with for the rest of our lives. And I'm not ready for that. But at the end of my dream, there's this peace and comfort about being in the kitchen. I know why. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. But not just that, because I would love to be an author, and be involved in church and community things. It's not that I refuse to stay in the house, but it's that even though I stay in the house (and almost conform to the old idea of women's roles...almost), I am not oppressed or suppressed (I'm not sure which one). And I've known all these prior to this particular dream, but because of this dream, I felt the emotions (the tears and the comfort), and that brought it all home for me.

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