Saturday, June 22, 2013

Visions of a Blur

I'm posting this to capture my thoughts and experience in time, even though I'm going to look like a fool, sealed online forever. Won't be the first time anyway.

I just returned from a Women's Encounter event from my church. The last session we had was the Holy Spirit session, and it was refreshing. I experienced how to really not care about anyone else. Even though thoughts like, "Am I the only one still lying down on the floor?" kept trying to inject itself in my brain, I pressed on. What stops a thirsty man from reaching a drop of water, right?

But something happened. And it bugs me now, when I'm in my room with lots of time to reflect. At one point, while there was a mellow moment but everyone was still enjoying the presence of God, our pastor invited us to continue worshiping God. She told us to lift our hands and just shanda-la-la-shanda. Hehehe, just a little Pentecostal humor. Actually, that's also true, and that she told us to just thank the Lord. Just thank Him.

At the earlier session about the Cross, what stuck to me was the freedom we have from guilt. It drove into my heart, and so I raised my hands and thanked God for the freedom from guilt. And immediately I had a vision.

At least I think it was a vision. Perhaps it was a thought trying to distract me. It possible, but it was like a flash. It startled me. It made me literally jerk my head to the left. But there were no negative emotions attached with it. No anxiousness. No freak-outs. Not even excitement. It just...like a matter-of-fact feeling. Like when someone gives you a trivial fact that makes you say, "Okay." It's not bad. It's good, but not stop-the-presses good. It just...is.

I'm sorry. I'm not making much sense, am I?

I truly hesitate to write this and put this out there for anyone to see, knowing that I'm open to ridicule. And I know I have the choice to stop. To keep this to myself or to my diary or to my prayer journal or whatever. But part of me is saying, "What if it was a vision? What if it comes true later on? Don't you want proof of how God moved in your life? How He showed you this before it happened? And if it happens and you don't write it down now, who's gonna believe you?" 

It's like writing down a prayer request on a notebook and reflecting on it when God answers. You're like, "Wow." Except my vision is a little different.

I raised my hands and thanked God for the freedom from guilt.
Flash! From my left, a blurry man walked towards me. Tall. Thin. Blonde.
My head jerked to the left and I asked, "Who was that?"
A one word answer whispered so softly that I shook it off and went back to enjoying God.

I know it wasn't Jesus. It didn't feel like His presence. I wouldn't have dismissed Him, ya know? It felt like it was my - and here's that one word whisper - husband. No, I'm not married. I'm single and I want to be single until I touch the world. Seems easier that way.

Last night I wrote in my prayer journal that I don't want the first love I had for God because I'm older, hopefully wiser, and definitely different. So I want an older, wiser, and different love, relationship, and understanding of God. And I felt like I had breakthrough, that I'm at the start of this older, wiser, and different spiritual journey. I'm like, "Okay God. Let's do this."

And blurry man comes along? Yes, the vision was all very matter-of-factly. I didn't even get excited. This reflection, not so much. Who was that? What does it mean? Why was he so blurry? Well, yeah, I'm curious. Wouldn't you be?

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