Excellence. What is it really? Is it your best or is it beyond your best? And how do you know if you're giving your best or beyond your best? What if your best, or beyond it isn't good enough? Then, you are discouraged when you see other people's best or beyond that. You just feel lousy, and everything if irritating. Or maybe it's just me who feels lousy and irritated.
Excellence. I want excellence. I want to strive for excellence. I want to live in excellence, especially since I feel that I demand it from my constituents. Maybe I am giving my best, but I just don't see it. Then again, I have that deep sinking feeling that I'm not.
I have that feeling in three areas of my life: my spritual/ministry, my work, and my physical.
Spiritual/ministry is all things having to do with God and the work He's entrusted me to do. I want to increase my prayer life. I miss the times when I hear from Him. I miss Him. I miss God. Miss God? You would think I've had enough of Him. Cell groups, church, church activities, and supporting church families fill up my time. Well, I could never have enough of God, nor can anyone else. I'm happy to work for Him and I'm glad He called me into the ministry, but sometimes I feel as if I'm short-changing His work. I forget to do tasks for the ministry, like making fliers or buying string for the upcoming craft or preparing a lesson. Or I procrastinate. Everything becomes last minute. What's worse, however, is that I feel as if I'm short-changing myself when it comes to my spiritual life. I don't read the Bible as much. I don't pray as much. I don't worship as much. I miss God, but I'm not meeting Him halfway.
My work is just that -- my work. I work part-time, and I'm an intermittent employee. That means that I don't have a set schedule. I turn in my schedule to my supervisor and let her know when I can come in to work, but working on those days I said I would is not a must. I have reduced to working about twice a month. I don't want to, but I just don't go to work. My job is a blessing from God, and it's a wonder I'm not yet fired (I hope. I'll find out when I go to work this week...if I do). I tell myself that I will work, but I don't. I just don't.
My physical means the over-all superficial physical body. My weight. Oh yeah, girls often say they're fat even when they're not, but believe me when I say that I am fat. See, I am not the type of person to obssess about my weight. I love my body. Ever since I was a little girl, I have been on the chubby side, and people (family and friends) have told me that I'm fat. Maybe it's an innate inclination to rebel, but that's what I did. I rebelled intellectually and emotionally. I didn't and I still don't let what they tell me to affect how I see myself, and I don't cry over it. This is a good thing, but there's a downside. The downside is that I can't find the motivation to lose weight when I know that I am unhealthy, and I am because for my age and height, I am over-fat. My high school P.E. teacher said to say over-fat instead of over weight because weight includes everything you are, including your organs and bones. Fat only counts fat, which is good but not in high doses, and I have fat in high doses. When we measured in my P.E. class in high school four years ago, I was over-fat. Today, all the more will I be over-fat because I gained weight. What weight? The Freshman 15. Only I didn't gain it when I was a Freshman, I gained it when I was a Sophomore, and I gained 20 lbs instead of 15. My best friend got married when I was a Freshman. I was one of her bridesmaids so I lost weight for the occassion. I lost 10 lbs. My sophomore year, I gained back the 10 lbs (going back to my original weight) and gained an extra 10 more because I didn't watch what I ate when my church went on constant fasting.
You know how doctors or physchologists say that the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem, and the second step is identifying it? So I admitted I have a problem and the I have identified it. Time to solve it, right? Wrong. What if there are forces working against you beyond your control? Or maybe they can be in your control, but don't want to take it in your control.
Okay, so I can stop procrastinating in the ministry by using up all the post-its in the world to make reminders. I can sleep earlier as well. My spiritual life, however, seems beyond my control. I can find times to pray, read, and study, but not in my usual night routine because I don't share a room. I share it with my grandmother. Going along with that, how fun is it to be spending time with God when suddenly there's a knock on the door and a voice calling to open up. Constant interruptions is highly annoying, and there is nothing I can do about it. My parents say they would have an extension built for the house, but nothing is happening. It makes me want to cry. Scratch that. I have cried about this.
My work is another issue. I'm a student assistant and the work calls for secretarial duties: typing letters, etc. What do I do? File. I file. Do you know how tedious 2 years of filing is? It's very tedious. It can make one insane. Not only is what I do mind-numbing, I work in a hostile environment, and by that I mean I am constantly filing this man's papers as he constantly cusses and uses the Lord's name in vain. He is also very cynical. I usually avoid working around him, but he has the worst mess ever that he is infamous for it. He is also infamous for cuss eruptions and being cynical. Can I ask to be transferred? I can't. Can't as in it's not in my ability to, because maybe I'm yellow. I'm scared to ask. Yep, I said it. I don't even want to muster enough courage to ask because even though I didn't want to, I started working less and feel that I don't have the right to ask. Anyway, my only friend in that office works near him. My friend who graduated with me from high school.
My weight. It can be totally in control and I am working to lose weight, even though my motivation is still shot. My new year's resolution was to eat more fruits and vegetables. This would be so much easier to fulfill when I do the grocery shopping. I don't know. I don't cook our meals either. My grandmother does and she cooks unhealthy oil filled foods. She first started cooking when she came here from the Philippines. I nearly choked to death when I ate what she cooked. Not because it was inedible. It was the same Filipino foods I'm used to eating, but ten times the oil. I felt my arteries clogging. Now, I don't choke. I got used to eating the oil. Call me a teenager, but gross. There are less salads and more white rice, instead of the brown rice I enjoyed to eat. Bring back the fruits! Bring back the salads! Bring back the brown rice! Take away the oil! If only I cooked and did the grocery shopping. I'm actually looking into this. Even if I only cook for myself.
Excellence. I want excellence, but what if forces beyond my control is hindering me from it? What do I do? I know how to change myself. That's easy. Changing things outside of me is not.